She’s in her 20’s and is sharing her innermost struggles with addiction to relationships. Sharing an introspective look on what made her this way. Letting us in on what she has learnt so far, her recovery plans and what she sees for her future when she has overcome this.
*Photo by the talented Kay Kay Onyeobi. Follow her on Instagram to check more of her work. @kaykayonyeobi *
Dear 20’s Diaries,
I’m single but I miss being in a relationship. Yes, I am a recovering relationship addict. I have been in relationships practically back-to-back for a while now. I like being in relationships because it’s a good way to not give into my hoe potential (which is having multiple flings) and I enjoy the comfort zone they provide.
Being loved by that person I just want to love me really does something to my insides. The non-stop texting, the calls, knowing you have that one person you can force to do stuff or that would always want to hang cause they like being around you. I mean it’s never all rosy, but to sum it up I enjoy the high I get from being in love or being in a relationship. If that makes sense.
After much introspection, I realized I rush into relationships because I’m still this little girl in my head that wants to be the lead in a romantic story. My tendency to over think, over-imagine (if such a word exists) the little actions and words to fit into the narrative I want. Which is usually a “this is how we fell in love” story or something more extra.
I over-analyze situations and try to summarize a guy into a mini-checklist of husband potential or not. I really don’t like the fact that I do this, it is something I have been struggling to un-learn for such a long time. I think my socialization can partly be blamed for this.
Constantly, being told you should have a husband by a certain age and how you would never be “complete” without a man. The endless “how to be good wife material” tutorials are things I’ve been bombarded with since I was a child. It leaves you with this mindset to look at guys through a filter of “husband material” or nah.
This is technically not a bad thing cause at least it means you are trying to filter through the scum. But if you really think about it, it’s a little ridiculous, because that just puts unnecessary pressure on yourself and the person.
It is so stressful to be constantly looking for the one, meeting someone now & already daydreaming of how a relationship between us would be like. Getting hurt when the feelings I have for the person are not being reciprocated with the same intensity. Wondering whether they like me truly or are just trying to get with me then bounce. Wondering if the connection and sparks I felt was two-way and not one-sided.
There are some days I’m having a bad day and I have many amazing friends that can comfort me. But I miss the convenience of boyfriend comfort. It’s weird sometimes I want to turn off this need I have. But it’s tough.
I hear people saying they’ve found someone who is exactly what they need or want. I’ve also heard people saying they’ve found someone who is too good to be true. A big part of me just wonders if that would ever me. Most of the time I wish I wasn’t such a romantic, why can’t I just be a Badass that is more interested in better things.
I’ve been in about a few serious relationships so far in my life. Some of the ones that were good, were ended by me because I felt I deserved more love than I was being shown. I felt I deserved more time, appreciation & more. I’m always searching for more. But would my more ever become a reality? I don’t think I have ridiculous expectations or wants. I’m a pretty levelheaded woman. And very reasonable too.
Jumping back to old flames? I do this because of the familiarity. I do this because one of my core beliefs is giving people chances to prove themselves. I get even more disappointed when yet another chance is given & it is like it is not even appreciated or respected.
I don’t want to be that girl just waiting for love. I want to be a force, I want to achieve my goals, reach for the fucking sun & moon. I struggle with self-doubt from time to time. Doubting my talents, abilities, friendships and ideas. I want it to stop.
I want to become as free as possible. I want to let the wind blow me in whichever direction it deems fit without hoping for “an anchor” a.k.a boyfriend to hold me down.
I have really enjoyed my single time so far and I look forward to enjoying it even more. I have been able to invest more time, energy and love into my other relationships I am so glad I am finally doing this. There are barely any doubts or fears cause I know my loved ones are always going to be riding for me and with me no matter what. That security trumps anything I have ever felt in any of my relationships. I hope my next romantic relationship (which is not anytime soon) feels a lot like what I have with my loved ones.
I just want to let my old ways go. Slowly I am, I just wish it could be faster and praying for no more back sliding cause that has happened a lot.
But I’m also worried I might start enjoying being single so much that a relationship would be hard to adjust to. But lowkey I hope I get to that stage sometime soon, tired of relationship drama for the meantime. On another note, konji na bastard and friends with benefits always has a time limit so what’s a girl to do.
A recovering relationship girl.